Morbidly What?

Title:	Friends Only
Topics:	fo
Date:	2010-09-20 @ 09:01
Security:	public

Though there are some public entries, the majority of my journal is "friends only". If you'd like to read more, please comment. Thanks.

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Title:	The Cookie
Topics:	cookie-eating too much 12-11-2008
Date:	2008-12-11 @ 11:21
Security:	public

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Title:	Clean Eating
Date:	2008-12-05 @ 08:36
Security:	public

I'm finally putting some time into my comm, Clean Eating. I've finally done a real intro post that I will leave public and a stevie recipe. I'll be adding more recipes as the days go by. This is a good thing because I need to start cooking again. I think having spent so much time drinking liquids that I've forgotten what real food tastes like. I certainly can't say that I've been cooking a lot since my surgery. I've done some, but not nearly as much as I should. Everyone who has had WLS, knows that cooking at home is one of the keys to weight loss. The other key is making good choices when we can't. Combined that is an awesome tool to reach our goals. Anyway, I'm off to down my protien shake!!!

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Title:	Texture or ???
Date:	2008-12-04 @ 15:33
Security:	public

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Title:	The Fill.
Topics:	fill-first fill 11-13-2008
Date:	2008-11-13 @ 08:32
Security:	public

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Title:	Vites and Biting Headaches
Topics:	vitamins-meds-1 week before fill 11-7-20
Date:	2008-11-07 @ 09:34
Security:	public

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Title:	TDP
Topics:	munchies 10212008
Date:	2008-10-21 @ 13:23
Security:	public

I've been on Livestrong.com for over a week now. I went there for The Daily Plate, a food/excercise tracking site. I've used quite a few others, but I', liking this one the best. It's ease of use is on par with Weight Watchers.

Anyway, I've noticed I eat everywhere from 900 to 2000 calories. The days I hit the high calories don't see me eating any more food than a 900 day, but they do see different choices. Last night for instance I ate a can of ravioli because I was too lazy. Had I paid attention to the calorie count I would have stayed away from it. It's 420 calories for a single can. That right there is more than my average calorie take for breakfast and lunch combined.

So what does this mean? Food choices are important.

I haven't really been paying attention to what I've been putting in my body. The only thing that matters is that it goes down without any trouble. I think I have a round about idea of what I can and cannot eat. But, I think that's gonna change once I get my fill. I imagine that a lot of the things that go down easily now may be troublesome later. Sushi rice for instance.

I am still a few weeks from my first fill, but I think I need to start thinking about what I'm eating, not just half or even most of the time, but all of the time. It seems that after my year of protein shakes and salads I wanted a little break. Well, this isn't about breaks it's about life changes and balancing so called bad food with so called good food.

I know for one, that I will never not eat another candy bar or have a bit of cake. I know it will happen. My goal is that a bit, a fun-size, a tad, a little, or whatever tiny adjective you can find is enough. For the most part it is, but every so often, even now after my surgery, a little isn't enough. But that's not my tummy talking. That's me not listening or my brain bypassing what my body is actually feeling.

Right now for instance, I'm full. I've had a Smart Ones frozen lunch, a fun size snickers, a yogurt and 23 ounces of water toay. If I were at work I'd have to force myself to get the majority of it down, but here at home it's not enough even with my tummy saying it is. There is some psychological switch that gives me the munchies here.

I think it's boredom. I've been sitting here all day doing nothing. Well I've been watching TV,but that's really nothing isn't it? The point is, I've got to find something to fill the brain time so that I don't go to my old standby, snacking. I can tell you now I'm grateful that we don't buy many snacks anymore. We buy them on occassion as "treats" and in very small amounts. There are no stacks of chips in the kitchen, candy bars littering the pantry or even that many quick and easy bad-for-yous all over the place. The worst damage I could do right now is hummus and whole wheat pita bread.

I guess what I'm trying to remind myself today is the me in the weight loss factor. I think it's easy to forget the power we have over oursleves and the control we weild when it comes to eating. Sometimes I let the food rule me and the idea of addiction run rampant. I think the classic thing I do is tell myself that today will be the last day I allow myself to eat that extra bite or take that extra portion. Right now at this very moment I am figthing that urge and you know having the band doesn't make it any easier. You think it will until it is actually you sitting here, fighting off a craving.

Perhaps things will change after my fill? I've been told without the "restriction" of a fill there is nothing stopping you. I do know that at the moment if I eat slowly enough, I can eat over a cup of food at a time. I'm laughing at that. There was a time when I'd eat 2 cups of rice without even thinking. I'd toss on my orange chicken and take a bite without even realizing how much I was actually eating.

No, I can't do that kind of damage anymore, but that doesn't mean I don't have the ability to do damage to my ultimate goals.

That is the biggest deal. I can't do the damage I have been capable of. Over time I'm sure I can fuck it up, but right now my band is preventing me from 5 slices of pizza, a biggie size meal at Wendy's, a three course meal at Mimi's, chowing down on chips before I get my enchiladas at Chevys. These are things many of us eat without thinking. We have no real concept of what an actual cup is or how much we really need to eat. I've spent the last year phasing out of my super sized life. Right now I'm on a new phase trying to figure out what I can do with my tummy, what it can take and more importantly what it should.

And you know it's kind of hard. I keep thinking I'm not eating enough. I keep having to unlearn things that I was told not to do. Lap-Band change the rules in some ways, in others it enforces it.

One rule change...for now I have to read while I eat or I will eat to fast. In the past they always said do not eat with distraction.

One same rule...eat slowly.

Another rule change...drink while you eat, it fills you up and makes you eat less. (Edited to note: No drinking while eating while drinking when you are banded.)

Another same rule...drink 8 glasses of water every day.

In my twisted thesis here, I'm trying to say I'm having to adjust to more than just the band in terms of actual food, but also in habit. And I'm struggling here and there add that to the basic issues most of us fat people have and we have what I deem heavy duty task. But you know I'm cool with it. I've come so far and have done so much and all these troubles I'm facing won't be trouble for long. Soon enough they will be second nature and that is the overall goal. the evolution of my relationship to food. One day food won't be my enemy. It will simiply be something enjoyalbe that sustains me.

Wouldn't that be fucking cool? Oh fuck yeah it would be. I want it and I'm going after it and I'm not letting one afternoon of severe munchies throw me off track. I'm better than that. I love me more than that. Yeah....fucking cool. Later.

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Title:	FOoDy
Topics:	food relations-what really tastes good.
Date:	2008-10-17 @ 16:44
Security:	public

My port hurts. It bugs me every so often with a slight twinge of soreness, but today it’s being exceptional. I wonder if it has anything to do with my period? The way I’ve been hunkered over a lot today? The fact that I’ve felt super full thus….thus I don’t know.

Thus’ are overrated.

Anyway, I’ve been allowed to start eating regular foods now. I’ve ventured into broccoli and it went down pretty well. It was steamed. I also had a bit of pineapple. That went down easy as well.

The other night we had sushi and to my surprise it went down pretty easily. Not to my surprise it’s hard to eat in little bits. I didn’t get sashimi or anything raw because I couldn’t stomach the idea of chewing something raw 30 effin’ times.

Can I say ewwwww!!!!!

My encounter with sushi though, has made me think about my taste buds relationship to food. I understand now that I like sushi when you can gulp it down. The individual ingredients eaten at one is pretty exquisite. Having to eat it parcel by parcel though, not so near exquisite. It may even be a tad blah.

I’ve kind of resigned myself to the fact that sushi will probably leave my cuisine of choice. Someone suggested California rolls if I get to craving sushi. That’s an idea. They are small and should be easier to eat than say a Spider Roll.

I don’t really know though. I haven’t had my first fill yet so I don’t even know if I can stomach the rice later.

I do know that I’m not really going to mourn the loss of sushi. I thought I might because I’ve always loved, loved, loved it. At the moment though, not so much.

I do know that my food choices, bit by bit as they cross my tongue are changing. The slower I eat, the more I chew, the longer food actually stays in my mouth the more I realize certain foods are not as tasty as they once were, simply because I can’t gulp them down.

It also makes me understand that I haven’t really been tasting food all of this time. I’ve gone gah-gah over certain dishes. I’ve plowed into the tastiest things. I’ve always thought I was a connoisseuse of food, I really, really did. But I might as well say the same about wine, a beverage I do not partake in.

I’ve never tasted the full nuance of what I put into my mouth. I’ve never given myself the chance to. Having to eat slowly makes me do this and it makes my appreciate food in a way I never have before. I think for the first time in my overeating, fat assery way of life, I am a true foody.

Can you be a foody and lose weight? Sure can. I don’t think eating less means you enjoy food less. In fact I think I’m starting to enjoy food more. Having to choose carefully, having to know exactly what I want, makes me make wiser choices.

I still have to up the wise in my food choices though. Right now, I’m going through a phase of rediscovery. I’m having to relearn to feed myself and learn what my new self can actually digest. I’m lucky I haven’t yet had too much trouble. But my goals are still chewing even more than I am and eating more slowly than I do. I have no restriction yet and I have to prepare for it.

So, my first fill is November 12^th. I’m going to haul ass in and get the pokies, when I come out I think I’ll finally know what all this Lap-Band business is really about.

I’m out. I’ve got so much to do at the moment. Have fun one and all.

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Title:	This Week's Goals
Topics:	eating issues 10-14-2008, post op-pre-fill: a list of goals
Date:	2008-10-14 @ 11:25
Security:	public

I’m annoying myself.

Okay, I have the band now it should be simple right? It’s not.

I know I still need to watch what I eat. I have for the most part and have even been exercising. It’s all been light exercise because I haven’t officially been cleared yet, but none of that is the issue, not entirely anyway.

The eating well part can be hard simply because of the life I lead. However, I’ve started cooking at home more despite my icky kitchen. It bugs me to know end, but I have to do it. We can’t eat out of cans until we find a bigger place. (We don’t literally eat canned food day in and day out, but there is a lot of convenience food tossed in the mix.)

Basically though, we’ve created a lot of bad habits during my liquid diet.

We started to buy a lot of frozen food, kits and the like because I wasn’t eating anything but shakes, salad and meat. So, W has been eating a lot of crap. Though, he’s managed to drop 30 pounds in the last several months. I think me eating next to nothing has helped him portion his food better.

But anyway, we’ve relied on convenience for the last 9 months and it’s time to go back to basics. I mean, I fucking love to cook. I fucking love to see people enjoy something I made.

So what is my deal? I haven’t even gotten to the point of my gripe yet. Right now my main issue isn’t what I put into my body. I know the basic rights and wrongs of that one. My problem is when and if.

Right now I can go hours without being hungry. I was told to watch that and eat at regular intervals. I’ve been doing that, but it’s been kind of a force feeding issue and I feel like it goes against everything I’ve been teaching myself these last few months.

Eat only when hungry. Do not over eat. The sensation of being stuffed is bad.

Well, I felt stuffed all day yesterday and made myself eat two times when I didn’t want to. Is this good or bad? How am I supposed to know when it’s okay to eat and when it’s not?

I’m seeing the Doc tomorrow. I need to find out my exact calorie intake. It was 1500, but my on-line weight program put me at 2200 for a 2 pounds a week weight loss. Those numbers are way different from each other.

Right now I’m averaging 1634 calories a day. Is this good? Is this bad? I’m not sure yet. I know I’m not dropping the pounds like mad, but then I never expected too. I expected to lose pounds slowly and steadily. My ultimate goal is 10 pounds a month, but I’m not going to shit on myself if I don’t make that goal.

This is not a race.

Besides, the most important part of this is not losing weight, but changing how I eat, how I view food, how I take care of my body, etc. I will lose the weight if I do all of the other things correctly.

Here’s this week’s goals:

1) Continue to track my food/calories/water/exercise.

2) Make my daily water goal of 48 ounces.

3) Exercise 10-15 minutes a day. Any kind at this point, just do it.

4) Find out exactly how many calories I should be eating every day.

5) Find out when my first fill will be.

6) Eat more slowly because once the fill happens, my body is going to make me pay.

7) Get the carbs out. I’ve had my fun, time to tone it down.

8) Maintain and increase mind/body communication.

9) Talk with the Doc and set up “when to eat” guidelines.

10) Keep taking vitamins. Make sure I get my fish oil in.

11) Learn that it’s okay to indulge, but not overindulge.

12) Continue to be happy, happy, happy.

13) Get mentally prepared for the pot luck. Remember you can still over eat. You can still let your old habits rear their ugly heads.

14) Bring something that you can eat to the pot luck. If nothing, your dish will be right for you.

15) Find additional things to do when you get the munchies. Surprise!!! The lap-band doesn’t stop that from happening. J

Okay, I think that’s a good list. Oh and I just wanted to say that even though I feel full most of the time, there have been a couple of days when I felt hungry all day long. So, the band isn’t an automatic no-hunger existence.

What is has been though is a great deterrent in over eating. I can see how easy it was for me to eat too much before. It only takes a few extra calories a day to keep the weight on and I’m thankful that I’ve been able to get the bad to help me lessen the damage I could do in that area.

I had my doubts about the Lap-Band in the past. Right now, I have none.

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Title:	Damn You Dinty Moore!!!!
Topics:	post op: 11 days 9-26-2008
Date:	2008-09-26 @ 13:31
Security:	public

I’m eleven days post op and things are going pretty well. My incisions are healing. I’m eating and drinking like I should be (Minus 3 days) and I’ve been taking my vitamins (minus 2 days).

Okay so it hasn’t been perfect, but it’s been easier than some have experienced.

Today my main complaint is eating. I went form months and months of being hungry most of the time to not wanting to eat most of the time. Right now I am shoving Dinty Moore Beef Stew down my throat. It’s not the best thing, but it’s got 10 grams of protein and is only 150 calories and the first meal like thing I’ve had in days.

I haven’t really started cooking yet. I really need to start, but I’ve been finding it hard to motivate myself. I love to cook, I absolutely do, but not in my current kitchen. I’m going to have to get over it though because cooking my own meals means I can control carbs, sugar and all the good stuff that can become bad stuff if you eat too much of it.

But like I mentioned, right now my main goal is to get myself to even eat.

The first few days was easy. I drank all I needed, got my protein down like a champ. I counted. I made sure. The weekend hit and I lost my scheduling and it all went to hell. I think I got a total of 50 ounces of liquids and 60 grams of protein for the weekend. That’s roughly what I should get in a day.

My minimums are 48 ounces of liquids and 65 ounces of protein.

And believe you me, that takes all fucking day.

I had the add the fucking because man oh man what used to be a quick intake of breath is a day long battle of reminding myself to eat and drink.

So here is the solution.

For that past nine months I’ve had a shake for breakfast and one for lunch. I brink it in a single 20 oz container and chug it at the appropriate times. I’m still bringing in the shake, but instead of doing it for lunch and breakfast, that 20 0z bottle is now my entire breakfast. So in one swoop, one hour long drawn out swoop, I get 20 ounces of liquid and 65 grams of protein!!!!!!!!

So technically I only have to get 28 ounces of liquids in for the rest of the day.

However, one shouldn’t live on protein shakes alone.

So, I’m eating lunch and dinner on top of the shakes. The extra protein won’t hurt me and in those 10 to 16 ounces I’ll get some of the other stuff the body needs, veggies, fruits, carbs, fats….yeah that’s my plan.

Cept…..it’s 1pm. I’ve been eating my stew for the last 35 minutes. I’m halfway through and hating every minute of it. My, my how the world turns.

I’ll get it down because that’s what the Doctor ordered. So that’s what I’m doing.

Well, I’m off to finish lunch and get back to work. Next time I’ll take about my waiter woes. Man those guys are pushy!!! NO!!!! I don’t want a drink with that!!!!!!

J

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