fat_grrl (fat_grrl) wrote,

Texture or ???




            I’ve been doing well of and on. Thanksgiving was simple, no issues there at all. I had a chunk of turkey, a spoonful of mashed potatoes and stuffing, a piece of sweet potato and tons of cranberry sauce.


            I did over eat.


            But overeating isn’t the same as it once was.  I think I ate about ½ cup of food then an hour later I had 2 or 3 bites of blackberry pie.


            The next day we went to another holiday celebration. This one involved duck as the main course and I found it much tougher to eat than the turkey. I ended up eating mostly salad, some guacamole, and cake while at that party. 


            Again, not the best choices. You know I felt normal though. I didn’t feel like a Bandster outcast. In fact, people noticed my weight loss and complimented me on it.


            That felt good and made the struggles worth it. 


            So, the holidays went well.  It’s been the last few days that hasn’t. 


            Today, I’ve thrown up everything I’ve tried to eat. Do I blame me or my stomach?  Hmmm, let’s see.


            This Morning: A chicken bake. That would be a chicken, cheese and garlic sauce frozen pastry that you warm up in the microwave.  How’d that go?


            Well, I put it in too long so it wasn’t saucy. I had a total of three bites and they all hurt going down.  I threw most of it up about fifteen minutes later.


            Lunch: I swing by Del Taco on the way back to work. I got a Macho Taco and a fish taco.  I didn’t plan to eat both. I just didn’t know which I’d be able to. I waited too long and the Macho taco got soggy. I tried to eat it anyway and that came up, all of it.

            So, I tried the fish taco. The first bite wasn’t so great, so I nixed the corn tortilla shell and just ate the fish. Tortilla came back up. 


            Afternoon Break: I wanted coffee. Took a friend, got oatmeal raisin cookies and raisin bread along with the coffee.

            I took a bite of the cookie. All went well. I put the cookie aside as we walked back to the office.  At her desk I tried a bit of the raisin bread. No problems. Decided to take a slice back with me. I ate it. I threw it all up. 


            The cookie is still sitting there, looking at me, daring me to eat it and toss it up, too. I think I’m doing liquids for the rest of the day since through all of this I haven’t hit anywhere near my 48 ounce minimum intake.


            So what’s the problem?  I want to say it’s my 4cc band and that it won’t let me eat anything. But that would be a lie. I can eat things, I just can’t eat whatever the hell I want to.  So really that leaves me. So what did I do wrong? 


            Well, once you get past the unhealthy aspect of my food choices, we can look at the textures of what I did choose. 


            The Chicken Bake: Was overcooked, was too hard. There has to be a balance in regards to “doughy” breads. I can eat crackers and I can eat toast, but I can’t eat something that was meant to be soft that is now crunchy because it was over nuked. I should have tossed it as soon as I realized I put it in the microwave too long.

            The Macho Taco: The taco itself isn’t beyond me when it’s fresh. A soggy taco though becomes too close to the doughy textures I can’t handle. I should have opened it up and eaten the meat bits in the middle. Instead I took big bites and forced myself to eat something I shouldn’t have.

            The Fish Taco: Probably my best choice of the day. Fish has the perfect texture for my tummy. Too bad it’s fried and comes packaged in a container that is give and take on making me toss my cookies. 

            Raisin Bread: This isn’t a pastry bread, but an actual bred loaf with golden sweet raisins in it.  I had the bit of a corner and it went down fine. It was when I took a whole slice and tried to eat it that all went bad for me. White breads just aren’t easy on my tummy, unless toasted.

            Oatmeal Cookie: Dazzling. No problems.


            But I’m fooling myself if I think texture is the only problem here.  The one major lesson I have yet to teach myself is speed.


            I eat to FUCKING fast for my own good. 


            I don’t eat fast all of the time, but when I do trouble always happens. So when I don’t take the time to eat slowly it skews all my results. Am I getting sick because of texture or speed? It’s hard to say.


            I need to get this speed eating mentality out of my brain. For someone as fat as I am you’d think that I would have spent the last two decades luxuriating in food. I’ve found that I don’t. I eat fast because in the normal course of the day I don’t want to be bothered with eating unless it’s a craving and even then I speed through it so I can pretend that I wasn’t being bad. 


            Or something like that.


            I can’t say that I have one sole reason for anything because it changes with my mood. Sometimes I eat fast because I feel time pressure. Sometimes I eat fast because everyone around me is. Sometimes I do it because I’ve not realized I don’t have to. In the end one thing is absolutely consistent. 


            I don’t pay enough attention to my eating habits. 


            In the past that just made me fatter. Right now it hurts like a mother fucker. DO you know what if feels like to take a bite of something and feel it wedge it’s way down your digestive tract, then stop only to claw it’s way into your stomach? 


            I do and you’d think that would be enough of a deterrent. 


            Funny thing, I have a high pain tolerance and short term memory. It hurts now, but I will forget it until next time. 

            I’ve got to find some “mental click” that gets me to pay attention. I’ve tried reading in-between bites, setting my fork down, counting to 60, counting how many chews per bite. All of this works for a while, but eventually I go back to bad habits. Right now it seems when I don’t want to think about it I eat things I really shouldn’t have too much of like mashed potatoes and Top Ramen. (Funny, I can’t eat chow-mien easily nor spaghetti, but ramen goes down just fine.)

            I think I’m going to do protein shakes tomorrow, just to give my tummy a rest and to get some protein in my body.

            I don’t know what to do exactly. I want that magic feeling, the same one I got when I became determined to do the Lap-Band at all. I’ll get it eventually, but man oh man, I don’t want my tummy to pay for it.  Hope all is well and you had a great Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!!












© 2008


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