I went to the Docs yesterday. I weighed in at 359 pounds. I was totally disappointed because my scale said 355. My scale has matched theirs since I started. You might think I weighed myself in the morning, but nope I did it at night before I went to bed. I weighed 354.8 on Saturday morning as well.
Anywho, that slow weight loss means I have to do even more. I have to cut out all of the things I have been letting myself have.
1) Bigger cuts of meat
2) Bites of bread
3) Pieces of chocolate
And other such things. I haven’t been tearing into these foods, except for the lattes, but I have to be 340 by the middle of November or my surgery is not going to happen until the following month and really, I don’t want to go through Thanksgiving with my normal stomach. I know my head should be on straight enough, but if my tummy is already smaller and the idea that my health is at risk is more obvious then I will not eat all of the things I am not supposed to.
Maybe I am just freaking out because I had planned all of this. I’ve sat down with calculators and calendars and have told myself I will lose this by this date, I will be this size by this month, I will, I will, I will….
Have I been setting myself up for failure? Or have I been reasonable, but not reasonable in my failure?
This is a crossroad moment in a road filled with them. In the past I would have said fuck it and tell myself I will start next week, next month. I failed this time, but I will try again only after I push the diet aside for however long.
During that time I would have eaten the pizza I have been avoiding, having the burgers, eating the fires, stuffing my face with rice and potatoes. And I would do it in larger quantities as well. Why? Because I would have told myself that is a reward for having had tried so hard.
A part of me wants to give up right now. I feel like it is all too hard and that no matter what I do I won’t be able to do this.
But you know none of the things listed above are on my liquid diet. I am not doing the diet exactly as prescribed. I am allowing my self to cheat and what was the once a week cheat has become the every day innocent nibble.
It is October 17th. My next appointment is on November 1st. That is fifteen days from now. Maybe if I tell myself for 15 days I will do this right I can get through this. If I can go back to the pound a day weight loss, that will leave me with 4 pounds to lose before surgery. It’s only 19 pounds right? Only 25 days until the earliest I can have the surgery. I can do this for 25 days can’t I? Can’t I?
Can I stick with the diet exactly for 25 days to save my life? Didn’t I tell myself that love is what it takes to want to save someone’s life?
I know in the end the date of the surgery doesn’t matter. If it takes me longer then it takes me longer, but that is not the point of all of this. The point is to be able to conquer the body, to take control of the machine, to finally take the real step to overcoming mental urges.
No, none of this is easy. I doubt my skinny dietician could do this for as long as I have, but the reality is I haven’t either. Sure my grade got bumped from an F to a C, but I have to do more even if it is just for now, right now I can do it for me, for my dreams and my need to be free in my own body. I like chains of another kind, not this, not this at all.